MAVO-humor: Een fiets op het dak gooien.... HAVO-humor: Iemand dreigen zijn fiets op het dak te gooien..! VWO-humor: Berekenen hoe het best een fiets op het dak kan worden gegooid...! VBO-humor: Een fiets op het dak gooien en de bezitter ook! Universiteits-humor: Met Gauss een fiets op het dak gooien.. F-Side humor: Het dak op een fiets gooien! Kleuterhumor: Een driewieler op het dak gooien! Amsterdamse humor: Een gejatte fiets op het dak gooien! (of in de gracht)! Welzijnswerkershumor: Een praatgroep oprichten voor mensen die een keer een fiets op het dak zouden willen gooien... Handelaarshumor: Een fietsenhandel op het dak beginnen... Religieuze humor: Een fiets op een dakkapel gooien... Racistische humor: Alleen zwarte fietsen op het dak gooien! Communistische humor: Gezamenlijk onze fiets op het dak gooien! Bouwvakkershumor: Een dak bouwen om er een fiets op te gooien... Ambtenarenhumor: Een fiets in drievoud op het dak gooien... Politiehumor: 'Hebben wij een fiets op het dak gegooid?' Belgische humor: Iemand meehelpen jouw fiets op het dak te gooien... Duitse humor: Je opa's fiets op het dak gooien! Sinterklaashumor: Een fiets door de schoorsteen gooien... Sloppenwijkhumor: Een fiets door het dak gooien...! VVD-humor: Geloven dat de fiets vanzelf een keer op het dak terecht komt... D'66-humor: Iets ergens op gooien, maar wat? En waarop? CDA-humor: Geloven dat er ook op het dak gefietst wordt... Clinton-humor: Zweren, dat je geen fiets op het dak hebt gegooid! NAVO-humor: Steeds dreigen een fiets op het dak te gooien, maar het toch niet doen! PROVO-humor: Witte fietsen op het dak gooien... Kersthumor: Twee dagen geen fietsen op het dak gooien... Paashumor: Een fiets op het dak verstoppen... Oud en Nieuw-humor: Een fiets op het dak schieten... Belgische luchtmachthumor: Een fiets op het dak droppen... milieuorganisatiehumor: Dak bezetten zodat er geen fietsen op gegooid kunnen worden TROS-humor: Fiets em 't dak op EO humor: We zingen en prijzen de fiets het dak op SBS 6 humor: Een blote fiets op het dak gooien Dakdekkershumor: Gooi eerst al die fietsen maar van het dak.... The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun! Who does he shoot??? Gates, twice to be sure.     Waarom maakt een dom blondje een pak melk open in de winkel? Er staat op het pak: "Hier openen". Murphy's Laws Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you think. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Mother nature is a bitch. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. The Light at the end of the tunnel is only the light of an oncoming train. Every solution breeds new problems. Two wrongs are only the beginning. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Quality assurance doesn't. The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. Exceptions always outnumber rules. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. No one is listening until you make a mistake. He who hesitates is probably right. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine. One child is not enough, but two children are far too many. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. You never want the one you can afford. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. If it says ``one size fits all,'' it doesn't fit anyone. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it. Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Interchangable parts won't. No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. Progress is made on alternative Fridays. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. The hidden flaw never remains hidden. As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. A free agent is anything but. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. The one item you want is never the one on sale. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.     Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do: They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.   Computer Humor ///\oo/\\\ There are no more bugs. ///\oo/\\\ ///\oo/\\\ $$$ not found -- A)bort, R)efinance, D)eclare bankruptcy? 640k = 4 Megs In Dog Bytes. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Artificial intelligence is no match for human stupidity. ASCII stupid question any you get a stupid ANSI. Backup not found. A)bort, R)etry, P)anic? Bad command. Bad, bad command. Sit! Staaay.... Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. BASIC programmers never die, they gosub and don't return. Best file compression around! "DEL *.*" - 100% compression! Beware of geeks bearing GIFs. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding. BUFFERS=7 FILES=5, 2nd Down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! But are you a computer friendly user? C:\DAMSEL.EXE crosslinked to DISTRESS.COM--RESCUE?(y/n) C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN RUN\RUN\RUN Check for *.bat's in your c:\belfry\ ! Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. CONTORT.COM not found: hit Ctrl-Alt-Home-Enter-Del-Q-F8-NumLock. DATA TRANSFER ERROR: please remove cat from modem. DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse. DOSSHELL? They probably meant: DOSHELL! "DOS=HIGH" ... this explains a lot. Earth is 98% full... Please delete anyone you can. Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue. ERROR - [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ake like it's working? ERROR #001: REALITY.SYS Corrupt, Universe unrecoverable. ERROR #092: Keyboard not found, think "F1" to continue. ERROR #193: File not found. Delete user instead? (Y/y)? ERROR #256: Programmer Deleted. ERROR #456: Computer not found. ERROR #751: Brain Offline Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? "Hehehehe.. 2400 baud sucks!" -- V.Bis and Baudhead How do I set my laser printer on stun? If it's User-Friendly, why is there a 678-page manual?? If you hold DOSSHELL to your ear, can you hear the C: ? If you redo a batch file does it become a son of a batch? I'm into BBS&M. Insufficient resourses: insert Wallet into drive A: My spelbng is perfecf bnt I ansmer wail om my Apble Newtom! No, RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure... "Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven! SQUAWK!" (Parroty error) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Press ENTER once to quit or twice to save changes. Rover! Look out for that truck%ux.. وط£+++ >x. NO TEER The parity check is in the email. The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. The Windows Energizer Bunny: It's STILL loading! This operating system wasn't released... it escaped! UNRECOVERABLE USER ERROR - Terminating current user. Warning: Do not download SAFESEX.ZIP. It is a Trojan. Was Jimi Hendrix's modem a Purple Hayes? Whip me, beat me, make me read my mail online. Why does DOS never say "EXCELLENT command or file name"? Windows Error: 002 - Program executed without crash! Murphy's Technology Laws You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. All great discoveries are made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. All's well that ends. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. The only perfect science is hind-sight. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Everything that goes up must come down. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. If Operating Systems were Beers! DOS Beer : Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Windows 3.1 Beer : The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.. //sorry, beetje verouderd, maar het blijft leuk. Windows 95 Beer : You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer : Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Stuff below does not refer to Microsoft. You may skip it ... :-) Mac Beer : At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. OS/2 Beer : Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. Unix Beer : Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer : The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. - Goedemiddag, uw plaatsbewijs aub. - Heeeee, chauffeur! - Ik ben conducteur, mag ik uw kaartje even zien? - Ehh... kaartje? - U heeft geen kaartje? - Nee. - Dat wordt dan een flinke boete. - O? - 60 gulden graag. - Ik heb geen geld. - Geen kaartje en geen geld? - Nee. - Dat geeft niks, dan noteer ik uw naam en adres, dan krijgt u vanzelf een acceptgiro thuis. Komt er nog wel 20 gulden administratiekosten bij. - Das mooi. - Heeft u een identiteitsbewijs bij u? Iets waar uw naam op staat? - Nee. - Geen paspoort? Rijbewijs? - Ik heb alleen m'n OV bij me...   Er staan twee domme blondjes op een brug. De een kijkt naar beneden en zegt tegen de ander: "Is dat nou de Rijn of de Maas?" De andere zegt: "Da's de Maas". "Nee hoor", zegt de een weer, "Da's de Rijn." Dat gaat zo nog een half uur verder. Op een gegeven moment zegt de ene:"Als jij nou naar beneden springt en dan omhoog kijkt naar het bordje wat aan de brug hangt, dan weten we welke rivier het is." Zo gezegd zo gedaan. Het ene blondje springt naar beneden en komt een half uur later weer terug. Ze zit helemaal onder de schrammen, heeft haar linker arm gebroken en allebei d'r benen. "En, was het nou de Maas of de Rijn"? "Geen van beide, het was de A2!!   Henk Angenent en Erik Hulsenbosch moeten van hun coach naar Nederlandse les om iets beter met elkaar te kunnen communiceren. Op de les vraagt de leraar: "Kennen jullie een moeilijk woord???" Henk: "Eeeeeehhhhhhh... authentiek." Leraar: "Heel goed Henk en jij Erik, weet jij een moeilijk woord?" Erik: "Eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh Kritisch." "Heel goed Erik!" "Maar vertel eens Erik wat betekent kritisch???" Erik: "Dat benne van die witte dinge waarmee ie op het bord schrieft!"   Wat is het verschil tussen GRATIS en VOOR NIETS ? Weet je het niet? Ik ben gratis naar school geweest en jij voor niets!!!!